I’m starting to think that Celebrate Recovery might not be the right fit for me. I mean, I’ve suspected that the whole time, but it seems to be becoming more clear. It’s filled with humorless people that have no concept of mental illness or theology and yet claims to be good for both. It feels like an environment for zealots to grow.

The initiation of each meeting must seem cult like to newbies, as we recite our principles and steps and bible verses. The whole thing is getting repetitive, redundant, and obnoxious. Several of the people just seems stupid. I feel bad about writing all of this stuff, because I know it has the potential to do good things for people, and the leaders are all very kind. But it doesn’t feel like the program it should be. At the same time, it’s both too structured and not structured enough.

There’s great gaps in approach and theology that is the natural occurrence of bringing together people with different backgrounds, so I can’t fault it, but some coherence would be nice. The person that I have the most respect for is Dan, but I can’t ever seem to have a conversation with him.

I briefly mentioned wanting to leave to Trudy as we were leaving. She apparently felt the same way, saying that she’s been having some of those thoughts as well. As we hugged goodbye, she mumbled “If you quit Celebrate Recovery, can we still be friends?” I said “Of course.” She’s the highlight of my evening there.

While I’m on the topic of CR, I might as well mention one mildly related thing that keeps sticking to the back of my brain. I had mentioned the program in one of my journals that I had read at writers group, and afterward while I was hanging out with some people, one of the guys turned to me and asked me how I was coping with Grandma passing. I said what I usually do when people ask me that.

“I’m not. Not well.”

“Coping, not doping, right?”

Do I just look like a drug addict? I was thoroughly confused at that moment and it must have shown on my face.

“You mentioned Celebrate Recovery. That’s not usually a program that people just research about, you’ve gotta be on the inside.”

I don’t think we had any more conversation than that, or at least I don’t recall it.

But it’s interesting to hear that perspective about the program. It seems to me that most people going through CR are struggling with codependency or divorce or pornography addiction. I went for depression, I figured it was a free resource and my neighbor spoke highly of her own experiences there. Maybe the location that I go to is an oddball one. He said “coping not doping” like it was a very regular phrase that gets kicked around a lot. It seemed odd to me.

I think it might be time for me to stop going on Mondays. I’ll continue to give the step study a chance.