I go in to residential treatment tomorrow morning. Simultaneously I’m ready and not ready. I’m scared and excited. I feel very alone and yet surrounded in love. 

I am viewing this as my last hope. If I can’t find that slip of humanity in me here, then it’s lost forever.

 It won’t be worth wasting the time and money of my loved ones and my insurance company to keep putzing along, keeping me alive. 

It will be time to accept that I am beyond hope. 

And I will kill myself then. 

But I’m not there yet. I’m at a tipping point where things could really change. 

And I’m not gonna kill myself today.