You are stitched
from strands of pure gold,
my love,
and all your broken places
show where you’ve been
bruised and bumped before,
that just adds character.
You are twisted silk,
my love,
tangled with an acrobat
of deftly managed
quite queer feelings,
that is how we all maintain.
You are the waves,
my love,
tossed upon the shore
and teased at the surface,
your soft pale blues
that turn to black,
that is because
they don’t know
of your depths.
You are not lost
or unwelcome,
my love.
This forest is filled
with friendly trees
as family.
We are not menacing.
We want the best for you,
my love.
Tag Archives: self esteem
Enough.
Near the end of tonight’s session at Celebrate Recovery, we did an exercise where we were supposed to write down the things that we were struggling with, our baggage, or in denial about. It wasn’t particularly difficult for me to fill up the index card. I had scribbled down an “A” before the leader even finished giving us instructions. I’m perfectly willing to share my list because I am not ashamed of my struggles. They are a weakness that will allow me to grow in strength.
My list was as follows:
Alcohol has a hold on me.
I take my relationships for granted.
I am unappreciative.
I am lazy.
I am cruel.
I take advantage of people.
My suicidal tendencies are so deeply ingrained that I worry I can never change.
The segments of these that are mind sets are already a work in progress. And I am grateful to say that I currently have a week of sobriety under my belt(I know, not that impressive, but hey, you have to start somewhere.)
Early in the session we got a reminder that one cannot find self worth based on what others think.
That’s important for me to remember. I also like to remind myself that although these are truths about me now, they do not always have to be. There are also a multitude of other truths about me, ones that can qualify as affirmations.
Truths like:
I am creative.
I am intelligent.
I am good with animals.
I am quality driven.
I am skilled with my hands.
I am analytical.
I have a good eye.
I am witty.
Now, my abysmal self esteem is preventing me from coming up with too many more, but for once I’m actually pretty convinced there are some.
Also, despite that fact that I am currently going through some grief and heartache, I still find that I am improving. Smiles seem to come a little easier, a little more naturally. Some of my suicidal tendencies are starting to feel a tad absurd, for the first time. The buzzing tension that my body holds is there to teach me that as long as my heart beats, there is hope.
And that’s enough for now.
Value
I was having a discussion with my parents today and the following statements came up:
You’re perfectly capable. You have ten fingers and ten toes. In fact, you’re above average in a lot of ways. You’re very bright. You’re above average intellectually and have above average skills, and yet your intellect is trying to process your self worth, and you’re accepting some lies that are mixed with some truths. In your heart and in your spirit you know you have value, but you’re processing mistakes and failures in your mind and you’re assigning your self esteem and your worth to these mistakes and failures and that’s not right.
They asked me if I had anything to say about that.
I did.
“Can you write that down?”
Something
I don’t remember what exactly we had been talking about when Alyssa looked at me and said “You’re destined for greatness.”
“Yeah, okay, JOSH.” Kind of sad that the best response to that was to point to another person with similar hopes about me.
“You have too much going on in you to not be meant to do something.” The emotion in her eyes was genuine.
I brought up a story from the night before. “You should’ve heard what Josh said when I mentioned trying for that job. He goes on, ‘When they ask you to weld aluminum to titanium and then stainless steel and loop it around again, you smile at them and say “I got this. I did that last week.” Because you can. You tell them that you’re the best damn welding engineer in the city. In the state. Because you KNOW you. You know your learning curve, you’re smarter than 99% of people out there. You got this. You just gotta know it.’ I just looked at him, a little stunned(only slightly thinking about the metallurgical sins he mentioned) and said ‘You really believe that.’ He gave me his you’re-the-smartest-idiot-I-know grin and said. ‘I do. ‘”
“Yeah, he’s right. There’s no reason that you can’t be the best in the state.”
“There’s a lot of people out there that are smarter than me.”
“Josh and I both see something in you- and we’re negative people. For you, we’re hopeful cynics.”
I cocked my head and nuzzled in with “I collect the delusional.”
“We’re not delusional. We just see the potential in you. And how brilliant it must be, if the negative people see it in you.”
I kissed her, she wrapped her hands behind my neck and told me to leave.
“I’m getting mixed messages…”
She smiled, kissed me, and then let go of my neck.
“Go home. Write me something.”
Rexicorn 