I’ve realized what’s been missing in my life. I’ve had a general level of lazy survival distraction filled with ennui and a simmering craving for death. Just- existing. Not managing to get anything really done or use my habit trackers or do my diary cards or show up to therapy consistently. I realized that it’s time to dig in, make the effort count. I’m getting back into the system and if the journal entries from here on out aren’t a whole lot more consistent, well, I’m fucking human and progress isn’t linear. So I’ll cope with that. I can deal with gaps in dates for entries, but I cannot survive long term lack of any structure. I try. I try so hard. But I do not do. Must do. 

I was listening to the MBMBaM podcast and the topic of unlicensed food trucks came up and the strangest thing happened. It just hit me like a punch to the gut. I processed my feelings for a moment and came up with what it was touching on. 

When I was a child, I was super entrepreneurial. To my detriment in many ways, honestly. But I remember putting together business plans and sketches and studying about loans. At one point I put up a couple sawhorses and a board with a sign I made advertising a dog boarding service. I sat outside, waiting for customers, apparently thinking that people are just driving around with dogs they need boarded. After a while, I went to ask my dad why I wasn’t getting any customers. 

He had no idea what I was up to, naturally. So he said “you can’t do that!” and took down the setup. I do not remember exact words of the lecture as much as I do feelings and a sense memory of a sneer. I was crushed in this moment. I think it may be a root memory for fear and inadequacy. 

But I realized… this is just a harmless kid thing. Anyone driving by would probably be going too fast to read the sign and they’d think it was just a lemonade stand. No one stopped, but it was totally normal and developmentally appropriate kid behavior. I hurt no one but they hurt me for it. 

And that was the lesson I learned from the unlicensed food truck.