Tag Archives: self care

Death Penalty

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I am me. 

At the core of my goo.

I am the spark,

the electricity,

the action

the character that shows 

by what I do

and I am not satisfied with me.

I have long wanted to kill myself.

I managed to mostly get over that;

I continue on and talk to my head,

not as a rival or a hated adversary,

but as a lonely and rejected friend.

It is one that I’ve abused, 

for so long

that I almost don’t know how

to not.

So I decide that I will show action. 

I will do the things I need to do.

I will take care of myself.

Because the truth is that I will be 

alone with this self for the 

rest of my existence and a 

contented sort of banter is a 

much better way to 

handle my suicidal thoughts 

than a bottle of pills.

So now when a 

perfectly justified

self criticism 

comes up, and 

that part of me 

slithers,

oily, 

out of my gut 

and whispers 

that I should die, 

I can confidently say back 

“I don’t think they 

currently suggest 

the death penalty 

for stains.”

Or else it gets the hose again…

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I caved and bought face wipes and moisturizer the other day.

I liked my skin. My skin was alright and did just fine on its own.

BEFORE TESTOSTERONE.

Now I’m an oil pit and yet somehow a dry oil pit. It’s a real bastard.

I’ve noticed this self care appreciation thing coming on gradually as I’ve increased my ritual before bed.

It really began with rubbing scar gel in where I was scratched at work. I’m seeing results, which is really like, dandy magic.

Then I bought the fancy floss.

God, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I’m so easily marketed to. I just- you know- I like nice things. I hadn’t known that floss was a fancy thing that I needed, before someone told me. Someone on the internet. Who was selling the fancy floss.

It came with a travel newsletter entitled “Flossophy.” There’s quizzes and recipes. Yoga instructions and an instagram challenge. It’s the most hipster goddamn floss on the planet.

But it is nice. Super scrubby feeling. Very effective. Why did I pay 8 dollars plus shipping for floss? BECAUSE SELF CARE THAT’S WHY.

To be honest, it’s worth it if I floss even a little bit more because of the fanciness. I gave up on my teeth for so long. I have such bad habits. I felt like there was no chance I’d even live to 30, so why should I worry about cavities?

I’m in a better state now, and I wish I could take that back. I think everyone that has neglected their teeth feels that way.

Now, though, I choose self care.

I rub scar gel onto my arms, so my battles can be my own business.

I floss so I can chew for many days to come.

I moisturize to keep from flogging myself with feelings of inadequacy.