I had a job interview today. I felt very calm, and wondered to myself why I wasn’t nervous. Probably something to do with this newfangled confidence I have.
I distinctly remember thinking “Of course they’ll like me, I’m likeable.”

Likeable.

Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I’ve believed that about myself? It could genuinely be never. And here it was, popping into my head from my subconscious.

In November I spent a week taking day classes at a mental institution. Intensive Outpatient, it’s called. One day in group therapy we were going around doing affirmations about ourselves. We had to mention positive things that describe us.

We had gone around the circle once or twice when my brain locked up. I couldn’t think of anything good about myself. Nothing.

Watching me slouching over, staring at the carpet while my mouth moved uselessly, Kenneth spoke up. Kenneth, mind you, was the very embodiment of a tough guy. Tall and lean, he seemed to try to back away from himself while nearly lying down in the chairs. He rarely said anything, except to talk about how angry he was with his dealer for giving him bad pot. Very occasionally, his whole face would light up while talking about his kids. His entire demeanor changed when that happened, and his thick mumbling voice would ring clear.

It was with this authoritative voice that the spoke to the circle, bailing me out. “Loveable.”

Loveable.

Do you think I’ve ever felt loveable? I cried.

We modified the exercise slightly, so we had to give an affirmation about ourselves and the person on our left. When it came to Cheryl, she said “I’m kind.” I raised my eyes to meet hers. “And you’re brave.”

With the faces of these strangers, I began to realize that my existence did not piss off everyone on the planet. I was not universally hated, or a bad person. Maybe I’m even a few good things. Like creative. Or loveable. Or brave.

So today, when I matter-of-factly admitted to myself that I’m likeable, it represents such a massive change, such a vital one. It shows I’m starting to change the voices in my mind. It’s high time.